Divorced Relationship Advice
Posted anonymously on Apr 21, 2015 09:35 PM 3 Responses
I've been dating this girl for about 6 months. Known her for a while, and we dated briefly back in college. She's recently divorced, so I know that changes all the rules. We started out strong, great relationship, very affectionate, talked all the time but still had personal lives. Recently, it's been confusing.
In the last month or so, I've only seen her in groups. No alone time, but she always invites me out with them.
She doesn't text first anymore, but she generally responds pretty quick. I didn't text her at all for a week, didn't hear a word until I finally cracked.
She's not affectionate in public/groups, but in the few minutes saying goodbye she's extremely affectionate.
She's recently apologized for being flaky on alone time and that we haven't been intimate (We haven't had sex in almost 2 months), so she's acknowledged both issues but nothing has changed.
Seems like I've become her Plan B depending on what else comes up, but I'm always invited out with the groups. We both lead very busy lives, but zero time alone seems excessive.
I've asked if everything's good a couple times and she keeps saying there's nothing to worry about. I'm sure she's reclaiming her independence after the divorce, but where does that leave me? Should I just back off and wait to hear from her, see if that changes anything?
Last comment on Apr 24, 2015 10:35 AM
Am I annoying her?
Posted anonymously on Apr 21, 2015 01:32 PM 2 Responses
I'm a guy and I've never had any close female friends so I don't really know what to expect around girls - let alone girls that I like. That's why I'm going to make this fairly detailed with background information (while keeping it anonymous for myself).
There's a girl I really like in a few of my university classes and lectures. I've seen her two days a week for about 5 weeks. I have to endure the days in between. I live for those 2 days :D
My question is: Am I being that annoying person that you don't really want to talk to but do just because you want to be kind? I think that this is very possible because she seems like a very courteous person.
We see each other while waiting for class, in class, in breaks between classes and while walking to the station after class. My point being the only reason we talk is because of class. We never meet when there isn't class. I usually approach her because I'm always looking around (probably for her :D) and see her first. I haven't tried being around her and not approaching. I really don't want to try that. But in the rare case that she sees me first, she'll always make the effort to approach me.
We talk about work, class, the weekend, secondary school, friends, movies etc. Sometimes it feels like a lot of small-talk but I guess conversations with anyone are like that. I might need to grow my funny bone a bit. Our conversations are no different to conversations that I would have with one of my guy friends.
We sit together if we're in class or waiting for something. On a day when we have 2 hours of class, we'll spend one hour waiting or walking together. One time after class she asked me if I wanted to come run an errand with her. That's about all the time we've spent together.
Writing this question and reading through it has allowed me to summarise and evaluate the situation outside of my head. I now realise that she doesn't mind being around me in person. But now I am also able to tell what made me doubt her friendliness in the first place.
I added her on Facebook within the first few times I saw her. I don't private message her often - maybe once or twice a week. 90% of the time it's me initiating the conversation. Usually it's about university or just something funny. The conversations only average for about 2-6 messages. She uses a lot of "LOL"s and "OMG HAHAHAHA"s but seems disconnected from the conversation. I am always leading the conversation and I usually send the last message. A conversation has never ended with her message. I am used to having many hour long conversations with my (guy) friends.
In our brief online conversations I managed to subtly ask her to a movie. She said she didn't have the money or time. We met the next week and she brought up that conversation and explained to me why she didn't have time. There was a genuine reason
My classes will change in a few weeks (end of semester) and there is about a 60% chance of me being in her class again.
My intentions: This is literally the girl of my dreams. That being said, if our relationship can't be escalated any further than just "friends", I would be fine with that. Also, if I am annoying her I would rather stop approaching her than continuing being annoying
Thanks for spending the time to read through this and thanks in advance for anyone that provides advice :D. Writing this has itself cleared things up for me but it would be good to get a 3rd person view on it. This is a summary of the questions I still have:
- Why is she acting differently online than she is acting in person?
- Am I being annoying in my messages or in general?
- The reason the online conversation stops is because she doesn't reply to my last message. Should I stop refraining from sending multiple consecutive messages? I try not to because I see it as annoying
- Should I ask her to a movie again (or something else)?
- Am I worrying too much? (I probably am) It's just that I really like her and I want to catch and work on any problems early on
- Any advice on getting friendlier before the end of semester? In the current state of our friendship, I guess she might forget me by next semester :D
- I barely know what I want from this friendship (probably because I'm new to talking to girls) but do you have any idea what she wants?
Thanks SO much!
Last comment on Apr 24, 2015 10:39 AM
Posted anonymously on Apr 19, 2015 02:39 PM 3 Responses
hello :) so my boyfriend is really really clingy/needy and even though it's fine but most of the time I feel suffocated. He got Twitter just to stalk me and reply to EVERY single tweet I tweet,wanted my snapchat even though I didn't give it to him, created Tumblr bc I don't go on Twitter because he is there and he got mad when I didn't give him my password and even changed his place in class to sit exactly right behind me. Then he had the nerve to ask my friend why am I always so sad and it's getting really annoying that she's sad and I'm like okayy. Tbh I just really want to break up with him but if I do he will convince every single one of my guy friends to hate me. And even if I told him he was being clingy he would just laugh it off. I don't want to hurt him but I'm extremely annoyed with him. Im his first girlfriend so my friend told me he doesn't know all the couple stuffs. And he also wants to hug me but I don't like affection and he won't understand that. Please help me. Also, one major thing is that just because some people gave him a hard time he thinks he needs to be treated like a king. That annoys me the most bc I suffer from depression ,anxiety and I feel really suicidal so whenever I can't do whatever he wants me to do He gets annoyed at me. Then if he is happy and I'm having a shitty day he automatically wants me to drop my problems and be happy with him like I can't do that. Just please help me and what to do Im so confused.
Last comment on Apr 20, 2015 10:44 AM
Trying to save my marriage
Posted by ScaryBusey on Apr 17, 2015 07:47 AM 1 Response
Background: My spouse and I were married in 2013, we split indefinitely after their ex had their kid (3 months after the marriage) and saw other people.
In 2014 I jumped from town to town running from addiction and abusive partners. I was homeless and my organs were slowly starting to shut down. My spouse's ex and child had moved out earlier in the year, so I called and begged to come home. Within two weeks I was detoxing 6 hours away from where I'd been, on my spouse's couch.
Once I started meeting people in this area, my spouse had proposed a 4-way. I caved, and it was a mortifying experience that I don't want to witness again any time soon. I have a hard time seeing my spouse with other people. They let it go for a month, then went behind my back to try and arrange another one with two of our friends. I didn't know they were texting back and forth until one of them showed me what was going on. I was heartbroken and couldn't stop crying for a couple days. I felt so betrayed and used... Why did he go behind my back? He told me he had been scared and didn't want to lose me, eventually I forgave him, but my trust has been shakey.
Our place is small, and sometimes if too many people crash here people will crash in our bed. The friend that told me about everything approached me again a few weeks later. Apparently my spouse and them had been fondling eachother in bed through the night. I confronted my spouse, who begged me not to go and said it wouldn't happen again. The next morning the friend's lipstick was all over my spouse's back, but I wrote that off as "that's why you don't wear makeup to bed" and kept an eye open.
I've been here for 4 months now. I have been 100% loyal to my spouse. My spouse was acting on edge and convinced I was gonna leave out of nowhere. Last Saturday I found out that the same friend had been dry humped by my spouse in my bed with me next to them. I was asleep and they were drunk, but my spouse his this from me for a few days before this friend came clean again... The friend wanted my spouse in them, but apparently my spouse "snapped out of it" and took a shower... I was shattered.
I love my spouse with all my heart and I don't really have family to turn to... Should I just turn a blind eye? My body is a mess from the drug use, I'm about 5'5 and 150lbs, and I personally don't think I'm attractive. The last person I witnessed my spouse screw was twice my size, but the ones they sneak around with are both skinny and one is a cross dresser.
Does my spouse have the capacity to be loyal? Or am I wasting my time?
Last comment on Apr 17, 2015 09:02 AM
5 years and fighting to finish the LDR
Posted anonymously on Apr 17, 2015 04:42 AM 5 Responses
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for about five years. He treats me well, he is kind and loving to my family, and he works very hard to make sure his family is taken care of.
Here's the thing: we've been long distance for 5 years. We have had rough patches but always found a way to make this work. Some insecurities exist in our relationship because he is 28, and graduating with a bachelors in science this spring (never had held a full time job while I at 24, have held a full time job for 2 years), and knows that I want to travel the world. But he says he cannot, that he owes himself and his mother and grandfather the best care. I respect this. I admire it and love him deeper for it. But it kills me on the inside- my biggest dreams in life have been to see and help people around the world before I settle down.
He reacts so negatively when I, in a light mood, talk about every dream place or duty I have for myself- like, he gets uncontrollable nervous and upset- because, I know, we both feel on the inside that I am waiting for him to have that financial security, and maybe his obligations will never allow him to do that, in a time frame of the next 3-4 years like I hope.
What do you think? Is it time for me to do what I need to do? I feel incredibly selfish, but my heart needs to setyle this before I am married (and I think he's planning on proposing when he does get that full time job).
Last comment on Apr 17, 2015 09:45 AM
No confidence anymore
Posted anonymously on Apr 07, 2015 11:50 AM 4 Responses
recently I have been feeling really self conscious, I've never been the most confident person in the world but lately it's been worse partly because I have a holiday coming up and I'm going to have to brave getting into a bikini and secondly I've just lost my job But I have found my bf makes me feel worse. It's nothing that he does on purpose but because he is so confident and I'm not I feel even worse about myself like I should be like him and be full of confidence. He is border line arrogant though which really bugs me. I have told him but he just laughs it off but his attitude makes me feel worse :/
Last comment on Apr 17, 2015 07:53 AM
How to file for child support?
Posted anonymously on Apr 04, 2015 01:20 PM 5 Responses
Any advice? I had a child with a man I was not married to, and when he found out she was his (via legal paternity test done together), he asked me not to file for child support. I was uncomfortable saying I would, so I unfortunately agreed. But that was when I was military and had more money coming in. Now, since I retired (she's nearly 2 years old now) I've struggled and run up credit card bills. I can barely afford food and daycare. I'm selling off possessions, close to filing bankruptcy ... It's been such a struggle, and I've had to rely on family. He still says he's so glad I've "helped" him by not asking for money. I barely made it through this month, and only did so because I asked him for $100 ... he keeps saying he loves her, wants to help "one day, when he can." I'm so scared to file. Are there mediators or people I can go to who can help me figure out how to do this? Have I lost all rights to do so now that I've waited 2 years? I know I need a lawyer, but cannot afford one. Anyone here have any experience/advice?
Last comment on Apr 05, 2015 07:08 AM
Is there a point where you stop caring about trust issues?
Posted anonymously on Apr 03, 2015 01:54 PM 2 Responses
I am not trusted in my relationship. My partner insists that I am but behavior just shows time and again that I am not. We've been together almost ten years, I've never been unfaithful. A year and change ago, an ex friended me on facebook. For a while, the only interactions were just normal liking or commenting on various facebook crap. Never anything more than any other facebook friend. Then my grandfather died. Like a normal person, she offered condolences and we had a conversation because she knew him. This set my partner off and in the weeks after I was told to get rid of her altogether. I did. We are no longer facebook friends and I have had no contact with this person whatsoever. My partner constantly stalks her thru her facebook. She constantly checks my phone and emails and facebook for any signs of cheating, presumably with this person but could be anyone. I don't hide or delete anything so this isn't an issue but the lack of trust is. I'm told that if I'm not doing anything wrong then I shouldn't have anything to hide. What bothers me is that we're now like 9 months later and she's still checking my stuff and still stalking my ex. Still hasn't found anything, but it really hurts and every time I bring it up it's a huge fight. There's also a double standard because she's quite good friends with her ex and other exes and I really don't stop her from being friends with anybody. But anytime she suspects something of me all of my stuff gets rifled thru and I walk around on eggshells so that I don't say anything about it.
In short, how do I stop caring about this?
Last comment on Apr 04, 2015 08:04 PM
I just wanted to vent out and needed an advice
Posted by fauxnora on Apr 01, 2015 06:39 PM 3 Responses
We are LDR. Yesterday, we argued about me suddenly changing plans.
-- long story about changing of plans --
It was monday, I was supposed to play that night with a friend but I changed my mind (since we are LDR and I wanted to spend time with her) and thought that we should at least watch an anime before me playing. but then my a friend of mine asked if we can come over to his house tomorrow (tuesday), so I told her that I won't be playing that night and we'll just watch anime the whole night. She told me that she was going out in wednesday so I told my friends that we move the plan in Wednesday (since she wont be at home that day)
she got pissed and she hung up on me. I got angry so I didn't called her back. After an hour or so, I messaged her and tried to talk to her. Sending cute and funny stickers and trying to make her laugh. It worked though, but when I told her that it was an overnight stay, she got angry again (angry because I didn't told her upfront/that it was so childish not telling her upfront)
and things got worse, she started telling me that I dont care for her. that I didn't even called her back after she hunged up. now everything's downhill from there. She started telling me that all she wanted was affection. That I should show that I love her. I tried to tell her that I love her; that I don't want her to go away but she rebutted everything I said. She's telling me that I am not making an effort in being affectionate to her and understanding her.
I tried, I repeatedly told her I am sorry if I didn't told her directly that it was an overnight stay and that I didn't called her back. I explained why I did those things. I told her I didn't call her back because I dont want to say stupid things (since I was angry at that time). It was a wall of text. I told her I love her, I pleaded her not to breakup.
But still, that wasn't the thing that she wanted from me. She repeatedly saying that I don't know what she wants. But deep in my mind, she wanted affection and I am wrong if I thought that is what I was giving her.
Long story short, I managed to make up with her by wooing her and making her laugh.
Today, we are okay (I think) and as I am writing this, I am thinking of something we can do today since I won't be going to work.
Last comment on Apr 03, 2015 08:03 AM
Posted anonymously on Mar 19, 2015 10:16 AM 1 Response
I WAS WORKING FOR THIS COMPANY , I WAS FIRED FOR RESPECTING WHAT A RUDE CUSTOMER HAD SAID TO ME TO ONE OF MY CO WORKERS . MY MANAGER HEARD ME AND I WAS FIRED . 1 YEAR LATER I WENT TO FILL OUT ANOTHER APPLICATION JUST TO SEE IF THEY WOULD REHIRE ME . THEY DID . ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT FOR MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER I PUT A 3 INSTEAD OF A 6 & I THINK THAT WHY THE APPLICATION WENT THROUGH . SHOULD I JUST TAKE THIS AND RUN WITH IT BECAUSE IM UNEMPLOYED OR SHOULD I JUST NOT TAKE IT BECAUSE ITS TOO MUCH OF A RISK ?
Last comment on Mar 19, 2015 11:05 AM