How much intimacy is normal?
Posted anonymously on Mar 10, 2014 03:03 AM 7 Responses
I'm worried that my boyfriend and I are not intimate enough. We started dating about 6 months ago, but we were slow to be intimate initially. While I love him very much and am very attracted to him, I feel like I can't quite get my grove, sexually, with him. In a million ways, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had and I want to marry him, but I worry that maybe our lack of regular intimacy means he's not really attracted to me. With previous boyfriends, sex was often (at least once a day initially) and didn't slow down to once a week until at least two years. With my new bf, we can be intimate 3x in one day, but rarely during the week. Is this normal? We are both in our early 30s. It's really bothering me as I feel like he's not attracted to me.
Last comment on Mar 11, 2014 04:03 AM
I just want to be friends
Posted anonymously on Mar 08, 2014 12:36 AM 9 Responses
Hi. Recently I met this guy and we totally hit it off. We started texting and hanging out every now and then. I am totally relaxed and at ease in his company and the feeling is mutual. He has just finished an 18 year relationship where his wife has found someone else. I was cheated on by my boyfriend of 5 years a few years ago, and last year I got involved with a guy, who I caught with another woman. In the course of confronting him about it (yes not proud but it got violent)he hit me and gave me a black eye anda broken nose. In other words neither of us is ready for a relationship. About a month or so after we met he told me I had a beautiful smile, was sexy, funny etc and basically that he was ‘a fan’. I said I wanted to be single at the moment to take care of my own shit, pointed out that he probably wasn’t ready for anything else either, and said all I could offer was friendship. Ok cool. We continued on. We move fast, he becomes the person I want to tell good news to first, that type of thing. We talk about our worries. He keeps giving me compliments, it’s fun, we are very open about everything, it’s easy. I sort of wonder – is this ok, am I starting to feel different about him? He is a trained massage therapist. I love massages and I’m really broke so he gives me one(yeah I know not our best move)Two and a half hours of heaven on earth for me. The most amazing massage ever; hits all the right spots, completely professional – nothing rude, but quite intimate, emotional. I do start to feel differently about him. I tell him. He says it’s the same for him. He comes over late one night. We are affectionate and it progresses. We don’t have sex but we get it on. There is an emotional connection. It’s intense and awesome, but scary. The next day he starts to shut me out. The compliments stop, I say a few things like it was nice to fall asleep next to him bla bla bla, he gives me nothing. We both agree it can’t happen again. I start asking him how he feels about it. I’m freaking out and feeling vulnerable. The more I ask the more he clams up. I get frustrated. I back off, try just acting normal about it. I don’t know what I want, am really confused and he seems to be handling it sweet as. Keeps going on and on how we are better off as friends. It drives me nuts. We saw each other briefly a few days ago. I give up trying to act like everything is cool and tell him I feel hurt that he can just brush me off and go back to being friends so easily, even if it’s the right thing to do. I say that I hate that it seems so easy for him. He says he means it to come across like that, that it’s just the way he is. I lose my temper and say that sucks shit and that he has been open with me til now, point out it wasn’t long ago that he was confessing his feelings towards me, and that it really hurts that since we took it further (than friendship)now he is so certain that’s not what he wants. I’m not saying I know what I want either, but his attitude is infuriating for me. He said it’s not me, it’s him - he is broken. I tell him it feels like the biggest rejection ever. He said it got too heavy too quick and that I have freaked him out a little (ouch).
Am I being a crazy person? How do I get passed this? How can we go back to just being mates? I’m not sure I can do that, but I don’t want to lose him as a friend. Im' really strugling with this! What do you think he feels?
Last comment on Mar 10, 2014 06:59 AM
Juggling Two Men
Posted anonymously on Feb 28, 2014 09:18 AM 4 Responses
Ok, so. "Mike" and I have been dating for about six months. Not exclusive, but I don't think he's dating anyone else, at least not nearly as seriously as me. When we had the exclusivity talk, he said he wasn't looking for meaningless sex, but he wasn't looking for a relationship, and he definitely wasn't looking for monogamy (but he also admitted that wants and needs can change over time). I don't know about his previous love life too much, but I know he spent his 20s in LTRs with strong-willed women, one of whom he lived with, two of whom left him for women, one of whom cheated on him....with the woman. I think he doesn't want to feel tied down, or like someone's keeping tabs on him. He likes his space and his time and can only handle people for so long, kind of like me. I want to find out why he feels the way he feels about relationships, but that's an issue for another time.
When we're together, he's super boyfriendy. Hand-holding, cuddling, forehead kisses, all of that. I know it's likely more habitual than anything, and I've pointed this out to him (because it's kind of in opposition to what he claims to be looking for), so I'm not delusional about this. This question isn't about whether you think he's into me or whatever. I'm pretty level-headed about all this. I mean, six months is enough to know or not, you know? (No, but seriously, you'd be proud of me for handling my shit on this one.)
In the fall, I was dating other people—a lot of other people—but we never discussed any of it because I didn't think we were going anywhere, and it was the early stages of everything, so who gives a shit? You assume the people you're just starting to date are dating other people until you have an explicit discussion about it. So from then on, we've just kind of had an open thing going, not labeled, but more than casual. We text during the week; there are emoticons used. He's really sweet, and easily the most emotionally mature man I've ever dated (except for the whole wanting to prolong relationship limbo indefinitely thing, which brings me to...)
So, I deactivated my OKCupid account, not for Mike, but because everyone else was awful and I'm happier when I'm not on it. Except this one guy wasn't totally horrendous. We went out last weekend. We had a good date, he lives in my neighborhood, great guy. We're going out again at some point next week. I don't get the feeling that he's approaching things the same way Mike is, so I don't think he's dating multiple people at the same time, etc. etc. Of course, I don't know this until we talk, but it's only date two. Is that too soon to talk about that? Should I mention that I'm dating someone already? I feel like I have an obligation to this new guy to tell him, since it's been six months with Mike, and it's a "thing".
And then there's Mike. We haven't talked about this in a long time. We haven't had an updated state of the situation or whatever yet, and I think it's time. Not to be all "where is this going because if it's not going X, then I'm done," but more like "Ok, so this is still what's going on, right? We cool?" I assume he still doesn't want to be monogamous, which again, is fine with me because it goes both ways, but do I have to disclose that I'm dating other people? Especially since I feel it necessary to disclose it to the other people? I feel like, yes to a certain degree. It doesn't mean I want to lock it down, or label anything, but I feel like continuing the way we're going, which is basically inside a vacuum, is going to end in disaster. But I also feel like having this discussion acknowledges that we care about each other, and that our situation is more involved than originally planned. And I don't want to scare Mike away, because we're really great together, and I'm totally fine doing this gray area thing and seeing other people until he figures his shit out. I'm up for keeping it open, as long as we both agree to be open and honest with the other people we date (and maybe just not tell each other about our exploits, but those are details to be ironed out later)... but wouldn't that sort of mean we're in an open relationship?
I asked a friend of mine who's in an open marriage about this also, so I'm waiting to see what he has to say, but I'm curious about everyone else's take on this. I'm just trying to navigate this so I can avoid unintentionally hurting anyone's feelings, including mine.
Last comment on Mar 10, 2014 07:06 AM
Someone help me understand him!
Posted anonymously on Feb 27, 2014 02:00 PM 7 Responses
So I'm new to online dating, I just started early January and haven't had that much luck except with this one man. Within a span of 3 days we had sent about 100 messages between the 2 of us and the conversation was great so I guess I assumed he was interested so we exchanged number and started texting. The conversation via text was great as well. We ended up going out twice, both times was a success, at least I thought, he even told me he liked me.
Soon after the conversation started to die and it seemed like I was the one initiating the conversation and his responses has been one or two words. Not to long after that he pulled the Houdini on me and disappeared, stopped texting even what I asked what was wrong. He eventually told me that he didn't think our personalities matched.
I smell BS... Because I thought our personalities matched perfectly. And why not have the courtesy to tell me the truth and perhaps not ignore me? And why tell me you like me? Am I naive to how the dating world works now a days? Am I missing something?
What frustrates me is that I started to really like him and I believed he was an honest person.
Should I try to talk to him again, after giving him some time, and see what happens, or cut my losses and move on?
Last comment on Mar 10, 2014 07:15 AM
is my boyfriend an asshole? am i doing something wrong or os it him in the wrong?
Posted anonymously on Feb 23, 2014 08:53 PM 9 Responses
Ok so i met this guy on facebook about a month and a half ago he is a lil older than i am there is a 6 year difference so he sees me as young he has on occasion said you make me feel old, anyhow on the first night we clicked instantly and he looked to be the perfect guy however as tine has passed he has his moods( we still havent met in person) everytime we set up a day to meet up he doesnt text me until late into the day and says he over slept or he had family problems. And i have forgiven him everytime i will admiy we have exchanged intimate videos and picturesbut i kinda felt forced into it we were on the phone obe night and he asked me why dont we ever talk about sex and i replied to him saying i didnt know you wanted to then he went on to bombard me with comme.ts like well everytime i try to get the converaation there you tfy to change the subject so i think your either not interested in me or your cheating or you just dont want to think of me like that but afterwards he showers me with comments like your sexy your beautiful my georgeous girl my babygirl then i will somehow do something to make bim angry and he starts fighting again and our fights are always one sided because if i try to fight back he will call me stupid or a bitch or dumb cunt or a whore and he will make racist remarks about the people i go to school with and say im a whore for being around guys all day not that i want to be around them its just my school is co ed but then he wil apologize for calling me stupid but not for any of the other things he said he refuses to come meet my dad vecause i may be grown but i still live under my fathers roof so he says he hates my dad and calls him names and says if he meets him he will end up going to prison for attempted murder if i dont grasp what he is sayibg inttelectualy he will tell me to shut up if i but felt ki.da forced into it we were on the phone one night and he said to me why dobt you
Last comment on Feb 28, 2014 12:48 PM
Are you into me or Not?
Posted anonymously on Feb 12, 2014 06:59 AM 6 Responses
Hi everyone, I'm a 29 year old first generation born Chinese American gal, born and raised in Cleveland, OH. I suffer from Severe Social Anxiety along with and Overly pleasing personality disorder. I already acknowledge that the root of social anxiety and my high need to please stems from my childhood and my culture ties. Sometimes I can still remember my first panic attack when I was 6 years old. Throughout my childhood I suffered from severe neglect from my parents cause of their work schedule, and they also put me in charge of taking of my baby sister. Because of my parents neglect towards my academics, I eventually developed extreme test anxiety at 10. The test anxiety was so overwhelming when I was at college I eventually had to drop out after freshmen semester. Right after I quit school I moved back home and slowly I fell into a severe depression and my social anxiety got even worse. I would consider that the lowest point of my life cause I spent the next year inside my house and the following 4 years constantly battling depression and suicide. I eventually was hospitalized and went through 4 years of in and out of out patient therapy. It eventually got better and now I am learning how to cope with my social anxiety. I now can go out and run errands and not allow complete strangers to trigger me to be insecure in public situations. I've recently got the confidence and started school back up to finish my degree and I can kind of say I am at a ok point with my disorders. Recently, I've decided to give online dating a try but I realized I'm almost 30 now and I feel like the dating situation and rules have changed. Again I'm starting to recognize recently the same anxious triggers and I'm looking for some input on what I should except dating in my 30's vs my 20's. Also what are men like in their 30's? What do they look for? Are they willing to settle down, do they still like the play the field? I'm really looking for some insight for dating in my 30's. Also what do men think about a girl who suffers from personality disorders? are they accepting or understanding? Or do men think "that gal gots problems! She's crazy!" Looking for some effective advice hopefully.
Last comment on Feb 24, 2014 09:06 PM
2 years in relationship and still confused
Posted anonymously on Feb 09, 2014 06:47 AM 10 Responses
I have met my girl friend two years ago through a friend and at the time I met her she had a break up with her ex. she was upset and complaining to my friend about it. Seems she wasn't stable and drank a lot to overcome the situation. I met her for two consecutive days at my friend's and the last day she asked for my number and told me that she likes me. We started speaking on the phone and she mentioned that she loved her ex but he broke up with her many times and she will not give him the chance to do this again. I was attracted to her and liked the idea of speaking to her. it didnt take us long at all we started going out and we had fun. Then out of nothing on our second or third date she asked to kiss me, at first I didnt want to give attention to that ( I said to myself she is not emotionally stable right now and we used to drink so she might be a little drunk) but the next time she kept insisting. She left me with no choice but to do what she was asking for. We both had this thing grow between us and we spent some really good time. To be honest I was enjoying the fact we are having fun and no strings attached thing especially I am a person who somehow fears comittment and I am very moody. Days go by and then she starts complaining that she is not happy that all this is happening and she has no definition to our situation. I didnt want to end this up so I asked her to be my girl. Things went good for quite a while then she started complaining about my ways of treating her ( i didnt give much attention..etc) and that I didnt want this for the beginning and that she forced me. I broke up with her. After a couple of months I thought I was mistaken and I shouldn't have let her go and I asked her to make up things and she didnt mind and since then we always had the same problems going on and off (whenever I let her go, I feel I want her back). My problem is i am confused sometimes I keep thinking maybe I shouldn't have gone that far from the beginning and I am not sure if she is the right person for me or the person to marry. And sometimes I think the oppossite. I feel she loves me and she is trying to be understanding, especially lately I have all this confusion going on my mind and of course she noticed something like that through my flat way of treating her. We even spoke about it but every time I keep finding excuses. I am not sure I want to leave her and I am not sure I want to stay either. She keeps accusing me that i dont love her and i keep defending that but to be honest i dont know. Iam confused to that degree. Finally, she asked me to make up my mind about what I want to do and she will accept whatever I choose. I don't want to hurt her and not sure why I have all these mixed feelings. Do I not love her and she is not the one? Or is it the fears inside me speaking?
Last comment on Feb 25, 2014 08:33 PM
After five years, what does he want?
Posted by Jess2 on Feb 03, 2014 06:42 AM 5 Responses
I'm new to lemonvibe; a friend recommended it to me. I have an issue with a guy - Jake - I have been friends with since meeting him at university five years ago.
We both studied the same course, and I remember seeing him the first day in class and wondering what his deal was. He was VERY different back then; an incredible, amazing poet but at the same time a quiet, European, slightly-overweight guy in his mid-twenties who kept to himself entirely.
We didn't become actual "friends" until at least six months after, when the two of us and another friend - Harry - all signed on to write a script and have it performed at a university-funded theatre production. When we were all there together, one of our teachers recommended we work together on the project - and bingo, that's where it all started. We began to hang out after class, on weekends, and slowly but surely we bonded and started to spend a lot of time together, going out as actual friends who enjoyed eachother's company, not just as co-workers on a project.
It was always the three of us; although he and Harry could hang out, or Harry and I could, Jake and I would never hang out just the two of us. I felt like he found it very awkward and for some reason, he seemed tense about letting me in to his life. I wanted to get to know him, there was no pretense, it was all just for the sake of a friendship. He was intelligent, interesting, mysterious and thoughtful about many things. But he would seem so switch off when the two of us were alone; always retreating into the back of his mind and not revealing anything to me. Tiniest bit by bit he began to open up to me, but it took a hell of a long time to get ANYTHING out of him. Eventually i learned and realised that he wasn't used to having a close female friend and he didn't actually know what the protocol was. He didn't know how to be my friend.
Like i said, eventually we all became quite close, and even to today, Adam still opens up with me more and more, the closer we get. But here's where the issues start. I fell for him after a year of knowing him; I think it was his mysteriousness combined with his ability to come across as confident and charming in his introversion. He was okay with keeping to himself, he was clever and knew how to extract information from people. I found that all endearing and fascinating. At first i was too ashamed to say anything and because I could never read him, i wasn't sure if he felt the same. But hearing the whisperings of my friends and noticing little things, I thought he might. Harry had one specific friend who tried to hit on me and even asked Jake if we were a couple, because we "seemed" like it. A lot of people told me we seemed that way. When Jake told him we weren't, he told him he was going to ask me out. When Jake heard this, he immediately shut him down and told him not to because "she's not interested."
He never consulted me, never even told me this. I found out from Harry's girlfriend at the time, who overheard the conversation, and months later i approached Harry's friend about it, who also confirmed it to me.
I was quite annoyed at that, because Jake didn't know how i felt about this guy at all. So why did he say that? This continued for months, when we went out clubbing Jake would be overprotective, would grab my arm pull me away from guys, would ask me a lot of i was interested in anyone and would deter guys from me without me even realising.
At first i was chuffed with this because I thought it must mean he felt the same. Then one day i told him how i felt and it was the worst day of my life. Jake, in all his awkwardness, looked at me with such sympathy and told me i was just his "friend" and he didn't feel that way about me "at the moment." He said all this nonsense of "you're too good for me," and "you're marriage material; you're that amazing," and "i don't want you to ever have to deal with my baggage. You're too good for me."
I knew it was just sweetening the fact that he didn't want me, but i bought it anyway and let him off the hook. He was insistent that we remained friends, not just to me but all my other guy friends told me that Jake had actually told them that he really hoped I didn't break off the friendship with him; that he really wanted me in his life, that he cared for me so much, etc.
Switch to the now. Adam and I have carried out this friendship for over four years. A lot of things have happened, nothing physical, but I found out he is bi. That was messy, he screamed at me and I told him to fuck off and we didn't speak for weeks. I found out via a certain iphone app that we won't go into.
Eventually he messaged me and pleaded with me to talk to him again, so I did and we talked it out. He insists it was a phase and he wants to be with women. Whatever. Either way, that happened but we grew even closer after that because it was like a cracked one of his biggest-kept secrets. We had a couple more fights after this, one which surrounded a friend of mine that I found out he liked. I acted like i was furious he'd hid it from me and lied to me, but in all honesty, i was jealous. I told him i was done being friends with him, to which we didn't speak for again a number of weeks before we reconciled eventually and went back to the way things were. He never asked her out and to this day I tease him about it; they email eachother but she's very innocent and although he now denies she was just a "passing interest," he still emails her but won't ask her out. I don't know what that means, but it's not my business I guess. I know for a fact that it's just friendly emails because my friend told me and she's far too innocent to lie about that stuff. She doesn't know that i liked him, by the way. Never.
Anyway, my main question i need help with is what to do with him. I know i still like him, and sometimes I think i'm holding out for him. I recently moved overseas to work for a couple of years, in some way to get away from him and my old life to create something new for a while. When i told him i was leaving he was very sad, he told me consistently how much he'd miss me and how he didn't know what he'd do without me. Even since ive moved, he sends me emails and messages a lot; despite me somewhat hoping this would be my chance to move on. I love him, but it's painful because I don't know if he'll ever change his mind about me. I feel like our friendship is just a toxic bomb waiting to happen. He still asks me a lot about my love life and goes into his macho protectiveness when a guy is mentioned. I haven't dated anyone seriously since we've been friends and he knows it. He hasn't dated anyone either, and even when girls do come into the picture for him, he always gives up on them very quickly. I'm the only girl he seems to want to stick around.
Even before we left, he would constantly tell me how much he cares for me, how important I am to him, how he'd be nothing without me, how much i've helped him, how i've changed him for the better, how he always brings me up to his friends when they need advice (and 2 of his best friends added me on fb one day for no reason), how he needs me in his life, how he'd come "banging down the door" if i ever tried to end the friendship with him because "i can't ever lose you," and how i'm such an important figure in his life.
His cousins have recognised me in shops when I haven't even met them and i've met his step mum and his dad who asked me once "are you dating our son?" When i said no, their answer was, "why not?"
His aunt (who i used to work with before i moved overseas) always asked me why we're not dating and how often i see him, to which i get awkward because I have no answer for her.
Recently i went back home for holidays and he was the first to message me and plead with me to see him, so i did. He was like "thank you so much for making the time to see me," and smiled and laughed the whole time during dinner and I'd never seen him look so happy. We talked for five hours straight (which is not an unusual thing for us), which i have never done with anyone, not even with my own parents or my best friend. It's strange how i think that 2 years ago he would NEVER have pleaded me to go to dinner with him alone; it would have been too awkward for him and he would have not gone without Harry there too. Now we spent lots of time together alone, as Harry is engaged and lives an hour away with his fiance.
He also calls me by my last name, which he started doing one day when I told him i was briefly dating this new guy. He never stopped since then and I hate it.
What's the deal?
Men do hit on me; i've been told i'm a pretty girl. He tells me that himself sometimes but never acts on anything. He never touches me except to hug me when he sees me. He sometimes blushes and still gets awkward around me, which i don't understand. He's recently lost a lot of weight, started working out and become extremely handsome and confident, which he credits to me "helping and changing" him. He gets hit on a lot more than he used to. He won't date anyone else, keeps me closer than any of his other friends and takes me out and pays for my meals, but still treats me like a friend.
Recently, out of nowhere he asked me if i would come back home one day. He was like, "tell me you will." I said i will, but i'm not ready yet. He just smiled and said nothing.
I love him but I don't deserve to wait around forever. I want to get married one day to a man who chooses me first, and Jake didn't. So am I deserving of something better? And should i end this friendship and move the hell on from this does-he-does-he-not-tango?
I guess my main question is this: five years later, why does he still want me around? Is he using me? Will i end up alone and heartbroken at the end?
Please, men. I know this is long and im sorry, but i need the kind of honest advice you'd give your sister on this matter. Thank you so much!
Last comment on Feb 04, 2014 03:26 PM
Posted anonymously on Jan 24, 2014 01:05 PM 10 Responses
The guy I'm casually dating just bought a place. He's been there for a couple weeks, and is having a housewarming party this weekend. I want to bring something that says "I'm cute, fun, and thoughtful" without saying "I thought about this a ton and clearly am obsessed with you".
Is it even necessary/appropriate for me to bring a gift? It's more of an "I have a new house, let's party in it" than it's a "housewarming party" -- He doesn't NEED anything, but still I feel like it would be cute to bring something. I dunno.
SO any suggestions? Fellas? What would you like to get? Ladies? What have you given?
Last comment on Feb 06, 2014 05:46 AM
Am I Over-thinking?
Posted anonymously on Jan 16, 2014 07:35 AM 11 Responses
I started dating a guy around Thanksgiving. Well, "seeing" a guy. I don't know. We've hung out 7 times total, which in two months is not that many times. I'll preface the rest of this by saying we met through Tinder, but the only reason I felt comfortable meeting him IRL is because we had some mutual Facebook friends so I felt more comfortable knowing I could ask people about him.
So the first time we met, we talked for a few hours and had some beers and made out before saying goodbye. Pretty successful first date. The next few times were similar. There was a good amount of making out and talking. We've had sex a few times and we are very comfortable with each other, at least while we're in bed.
He lives and works about 45 minutes away, but one or two days a week his job brings him closer to me. Also, he grew up right down the street from where I currently live. Because of this, he's always come to me to hang out (it just makes more sense because he's in my area a lot while I never go to his).
This past weekend, he asked me to drive to his house, which I did. (We'd planned on me going up there before, but bad weather screwed things up a couple times.) This was the first time I visited him. We had a great night and morning. It was fun and relaxed, etc. But it got awkward when it came time for me to leave. I couldn't tell if he wanted me to stay or go, and when I did leave, he gave me one tiny kiss at the door and said goodbye. Weird right? Usually people kiss more once they start liking each other? I don't know.
So yesterday we went to the movies in my area. He suggested it, for something different, since we usually just hang out at my apartment. I thought it was nice that he wanted to take me out, be seen with me in public, etc. So we went, watched the movie, and left. In the theater there was barely an arm graze, like we didn't touch at all. And at our cars saying goodbye, he gave me just one small kiss again.
I just don't know what's going on, I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. He keeps asking me to hang out, but then he's awkward with goodbyes. He was way more affectionate at first, making out with me and being forward, which is what I like. Now I get a mom kiss and an "I'll talk to you later."
He does keep asking me to hang out. And I think suggesting a movie shows that he at least is willing to be with me in public and put some money into it. (Maybe that sounds shallow, what I mean is he isn't always just trying to come over and have sex with me then leave.)
So am I just over-thinking the past two "goodbyes" we've had? It just seems weird to me, that a guy could go from making out with me to just a peck. I'm used to guys actually acting like they like me/want me. Is he trying to be a gentleman? Is he not into me anymore? Is he nervous? I want to know what's up because if he's not into me I don't want to waste my time. I just don't know how to tell anymore.
Last comment on Feb 25, 2014 12:41 PM